If you’re new to the dating scene (or haven’t dated in a while) and feel like a bit of a fish out of water, you’re not alone. We asked expert dating and relationship coach Melanie Notkin to deconstruct a few of the most common dating myths—and give you some advice that will give you a competitive edge.
1. Everyone’s on their A-game. Truth. You’re not measuring anyone else’s A-game. You are responsible for your own game—and if you’re not in top form, no one’s going to be thinking about you as a potential long-term mate. Once you think you’re caught up with your own insecurities, it’s best to remember that you’re more than a single person.
2. Someone is going to steal my “ideal man” from me. Only you are on the lookout for that type of relationship. It sounds like you’re thinking about only one type of relationship and that someone is going to snatch it. Keep in mind there is no one relationship that is “ideal.” People are all different. If you want to find the kind of relationship you deserve, be open to being in a variety of relationships.
3. There’s no such thing as the perfect person. If you can’t find the perfect person, you don’t deserve one. You are enough. And we don’t need to know or approve of all the characteristics of your ideal mate—that’s what your chosen family is for. If you’re in a committed relationship or are ready to settle down, then there is no need to compare your mate to others, even if they are “better” on some level. But if you’re getting to know someone, don’t be afraid to ask them about their past relationships—so you can figure out if they have any skeletons in their closet you don’t want to be connected to (and, if they have, that might be a clue to how they approach other relationships or long-term commitments).
4. I’m doomed to be single. Really? Yes. I’m not going to sugarcoat it. Even if you are completely comfortable with your own self-image, if you’re not in the physical and emotional space that you want for yourself in your life, you will probably be single for a while—and that’s okay!
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That said, it may take some work to date as an introvert, but you needn’t just settle on the first guy you meet. A little practice can pay off. According to a new study, more introverts are in relationships than ever before, and that could be because they are learning how to effectively use dating apps like Happn, Grinder, and Tinder.
The study, which was conducted by the University of Michigan’s Institute of Social Research and led by Dr. Evan Smith, shows that the population of introverts is growing as more and more young adults are settling down and starting families. For the study, Smith analyzed the data from the Census Bureau and found that between 2000 and 2014, the share of U.S. residents classified as “highly introverted” grew by 80 percent.
How did a group who were traditionally dubbed “weirdos and outcasts” suddenly find themselves part of the mainstream? I asked Smith to explain what this means for modern dating.
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Why have dating apps in particular become such a popular option for introverts?
In the past, introverts were either not dating or, if they were, it was extremely difficult for them. One of the problems for introverts is that a lot of dating is about attraction and about getting people to like you. You don’t necessarily need to like the other person, but it’s important to like them enough to be comfortable.
With apps like Happn, you can head to the gym or the library and, without even thinking about it, be matched with someone you’re interested in. You can potentially make plans with that person and have more meaningful conversations during the day. You’re able to see if you like someone right away, which puts introverts in a good position to get out and meet new people if they want to date.
Of course, this is just one option—you can also take the harder path and hunt for potential dates. Do you and your friends go to the bar on a Friday night? Do you go to parties? If so, you might be able to meet someone who’s also going, or to just have some basic conversation about what you like and what you don’t like. Even if you see someone you’d like to see again, you can just tell them “I’m just not interested,” which is
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